by Trey Nosrac
We all love juicy conspiracy theories – Area 51 in Roswell, NM, Nessie, fake presidential birth certificates, grassy hill shooters, magnets in vaccines, stolen elections and fake moon landings. They never fail to stimulate.
A good conspiracy theory usually starts with a lie or an exaggeration. Ears perk up and spirits run wild. The marine conspiracy in twisted logic and biased factoids that support the thrilling revelation. Bots, people and algorithms push “secrets”. Soon the conspiracy takes root in some minds, and neither dynamite nor facts can dislodge disbelief.
Horse racing is not immune to theorists. Conspiracies bounce around the home straight and within the public of players, rigged races, drivers intentionally restraining horses, doping, cartels, yada, yada. Here is a strange one:
The storyteller of this tale was a pirate. We shared flasks in a dark tavern off the Gold Coast in the winter of 2019. Deep in his cups, the pirate let his guard down. I put pen to paper the next day.
“My captain, MYOB, is a player and a black heart. He practices many sports, including harness racing. He often bets thousands of dollars on a race. He considers himself a professional player. May it be sharp as a new dagger.
“Captain MYOB imagines that on flat seas he was a bit smarter than the other players, say five percent smarter. However, Captain MYOB wasn’t crazy enough to believe that he was smart enough to make money fairly. Like any big player, captain MYOB understood that his big bets would anchor his chances in smaller pools. His loot would be taxed. Sweetening his bets at outlets or racetracks would help a whale of his ilk but not enough for his liking.
“This pirate captain is not a follower of the rules of the seven seas. He has spent his life cutting corners, finding loopholes, relocating, taking cover and doing questionable acts to amass and protect his bounty.
“You see boy, the captain was keen to play the races against other pirate captains, but he didn’t like his odds, he didn’t like them at all. So he found a scam on another shore, from the other side of the line of play.
“Horned at heart, Captain MYOB was well acquainted with the mystical island nation of Melentiana. He had never sailed his ship to this speckled nation, but much of his money had spent time in the friendly tropical breezes. Melentiana is a pirate playground, so Captain MYOB flagged Blackie Bookman and Wire Walker for a scam.
“The Black Hearts team got to work. Faster than you could drop the catwalk, the pirates of Melentiana rounded up a group of horse-racing betting whales who weren’t afraid to swim in dark waters, waters where 90% of bet money is refunded.
“They bought high-tech equipment and opened a small, discreet island bank that even accepts bitcoins and doubloons. The ruler of Melentiana, King Kockamamie, is very happy with the 1% “accommodation fee”, as it is a much higher income than his country’s previous GDP from the sale of key rings hand painted sea urchins. Hackers who set up and maintain the highly encrypted system The Virtual Private Network shares the remainder of the bounty.
“Most people have never heard of Melentiana. It’s not an accident. The pirates advised Captain MYOB and his fellow whales to play their races incognito, keep their operations anonymous and avoid the prying eyes of the authorities. They understand that technically, well, totally, their ways of playing may not be legal.
“Pirates do not tremble before their antlers. They know that gambling laws in the internet world are a bit confusing.
“The seas can be angry, but they are very wide and very deep with floating borders. King Kockamamie will never make much noise. Pursuits from other realms will be difficult and haven’t happened in… well… ever. Most worryingly for the pirates of Melentiana is that they may have to relocate to the mystical island of Papaponetiami because the rogues on this island offer the great playful whales a 91% return.
“Finding the island of Melentiana is not an easy task. Controlling the pirates is not an easy task. Pirates are sneaky characters, always on the move, always stealing, always unscrupulous and constantly burying poorly spawned treasure chests The pirates also have a rich history of sending innocent victims to Davy Jones’ locker.
“Well, that’s my story. A tale that might just be another one of those wild conspiracy theories — or maybe not. But riders, keep a close eye on the horizon.
#Mysterious #Islands